Proper 22 – B

 

On Mother’s Day night 2004, award-winning fourth grade teacher Nancy Seaman left the Tudor home she shared with her husband of thirty-two years in a gated community located in Farmington Hills and drove, in a driving rain, to Home Depot where she purchased a hatchet. Three days later the police discovered the mutilated body of her husband Bob Seaman in the back of Nancy’s Ford Explorer.

 

You know…there really are times when divorce is the best option. In Internal Combustion, the brand new book about this macabre event, it is puzzling to me the reader why this couple did not part ways long before Nancy decided to murder her husband. He didn’t want to divorce her because he didn’t want to split up their assets! And on the story goes…

 

Our Episcopal lectionary has provided us now two weeks in a row with readings that are rather dangerous to read without knowledge of the setting and historical context. Last week we heard Jesus telling us to cut off our right hand if it causes us to sin and today we hear a very strong message against divorce. Not knowing the historical context on either of these passages has wrecked havoc in the lives of many. In my former church in WA State I had a very sweet young secretary who was married and had two young children. She belonged to a very conservative fundamentalist local church. The first time she came into the office with bruises, she and I had a heart to heart talk. You know Kristine…

 

Despite my best efforts, I was never able to get beyond her literal understanding of today’s gospel reading. I tried to explain this passage to her and talk with her about how I don’t believe Jesus would ever want us to be miserable in marriage and that he certainly would not want us to be in physical danger, but she like so many victims of domestic violence who are also Biblical literalists took the blame on herself and figured that if she just prayed long enough, the situation would change. She and her husband eventually moved out of the area but I have often wondered what happened to them. 

 

If we read this passage very carefully and take the time to learn something about the marriage and divorce laws of ancient Israel, we will soon discover that what Jesus says is quite revolutionary for his day. First of all we need to know that the Pharisees were always trying to set Jesus up. They were the experts on Israelite law. So for this group to come and ask Jesus “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife.” is more than a bit outrageous. More than any other group of the day, the Pharisees certainly knew what Moses had to say about divorce. They were the lawyers! However, given that we may not know what Moses said about divorce, we need to return to the first verse of Deuteronomy 24: “If a man marries a woman and then it happens that he no longer likes her because he has found something wrong with her, he may give her divorce papers, put them in her hand and send her off.” (The Message) Do you begin to see the problem? Moses doesn’t say what that “something wrong” might be but it could be as simple as the fact that she burned the toast that morning. It becomes rather clear that in Jesus’ day, men had the power when it came to marriage and divorce. So when Jesus comes along and challenges this rather casual attitude toward marriage, he is in fact offering protection to women. He is telling the Pharisees: “No, it is not okay for you to divorce your wife because she burned the toast.” In ancient societies, where women rarely owned property, marriage meant a guarantee of support for the most vulnerable members of society – women and children. Without the protection of the laws against divorce, women were totally at the mercy of their husbands. In criticizing those who advocated easy divorce, Jesus put himself on the side of the weak and vulnerable. 

 

How do we deal with Jesus’ tough talk on divorce in today’s world? We want to recognize firstly that the church wants people who get married to make every effort to stay married. There is no question about that! The decade of divorce, as I refer to the 1980’s, has resulted in significant brokenness in the lives of many of the now adult children of that era. The impact divorce has on the lives of children has been thoroughly studied and the results are not to be taken lightly. The piece that many people do not thoroughly understand until they go through it is the incredible hassle of trying to work out custody arrangements and parenting plans. It often takes years for the dust to settle and in the case of bitter divorces, the tension rarely ever goes away. It resurfaces at the weddings of adult children and at every other major event that requires the presence of the divorced parents. And despite the obvious poor judgment of Bob Seaman, the Farmington Hills man who was murdered, the financial piece is real with divorce often resulting in a dramatic change in lifestyle for one or both of the people involved in the divorce.

 

So how do we avoid the ultimate heartbreak of divorce? The obvious answer is prevention and early, early intervention. I cannot tell you the number of times, I have been called to help a couple with their marriage when the bitterness is beyond repair. Early intervention is crucial.

 

What about prevention? In today’s world, we seem to take lightly the care and nurture that is involved in keeping a marriage alive. We wouldn’t dare let our gardens die for lack of water, but we often do not take the same measures with those to whom we are married. Anyone who thinks that marriage does not require sacrificial love from both partners does not know what marriage involves. Compromise and skillful negotiation by both people is essential but time is perhaps the primary element. At this point in my life, I have lived through many decades of observing marriages. While my own parents had a disastrous marriage because of my mother’s mental illness and alcoholism, I was blessed to be able to observe healthy marriages through my friends. My best friend’s parents had a marriage that was incredible. Their family life was beautiful. Those were the days when people actually ended their workdays at 5:00 PM! Betty Lee and Dudley, my friend’s parents, always had time together before dinner. Their cocktail hour was a time when the children were not allowed to interfere. It was a time set aside for them. They had dinner together every night as a family and the children went to bed at a reasonable hour allowing them more time together at night. I observed this whole phenomenon over many years, as I was a frequent guest at their home.

 

With this ideal from my formative years as a young person, my husband and I have tried to recapture some of the best elements of that model. At times we have failed miserably. In the past, my work at church dominated way too much of my time and spirit. For a variety of reasons, my first year at St. John’s was not much better but this year is proving to be different. When my children’s friends are in our house at dinnertime, they are invited to sit at the table with us. I try to engage them in board games not only to provide an alternative to the big evil screen but so I can get to know them. We are among those terribly old fashioned people who believe that leaving teenagers at our house without an adult in the house is a very bad idea. Trying to be faithful to these standards both in our marriage and family life is not always easy. It is, however, something for which we strive. Many of you have wonderful home lives and so we can model for each other and support each other in our quest to provide a safe and stimulating environment.

 

Jesus’ statements about marriage are to be taken to heart. We need to make choices about how we spend our time that will nourish our marriages and give us time to stay connected. With so much in our culture that is stacked against us, this effort requires the ability to make positive choices around how we spend our time. For those who are happy in their marriages, I commend you, for those who are struggling I urge you not to wait, for those who see no hope for saving your marriage my only hope is that you will let the community walk with you through this difficult time. For those of you who are already divorced, our community needs to surround you with love and tangible help. In the end, the church cannot judge and punish those who feel that divorce is the only option. May God bless you in your relationships as He wraps you in His love.